The words connected like a cast-iron skillet to the head.
And just as painfully, it hurt.
I've been reading Wendi Lou Lee's book of devotional thoughts from her days on Little House on the Prairie.
In one day’s entry, she talked about comparisons and how detrimental they are.
“You’re so dependent, it drives me crazy.”
“Raise your kids to be independent thinkers.”
“Why should I be dependent on anyone else? I’ve got this.”
“I want my independence.”
“A woman should never be dependent on a man.”
“God doesn’t love me. He loves the world. Not me.”
My mouth dropped open and I worked to recover from the shocking words spoken from a woman I’d known for many years.
I wish I could tell you why certain truths stick with some people and not others. Or why a fear sucks life from one once-exuberant heart but leaves another person trying to ignore it.
My stomach flipped upside down, but I wasn’t on a Ferris Wheel or a rollercoaster. A battle raged inside of me. I wanted to understand and live a good Christian life but there was a big problem.
Confusion. Frustration. Dichotomies. Perplexities. Imbalance.
I often felt like I was trying to put a puzzle together using pieces from two different boxes.
My friends planned to go to the theme park. They didn’t include me. Who had I offended?
How could she not have invited me to the party? I immediately felt unloved and unwanted.
Did the invitation for the wedding go to the wrong address? I felt sure I’d done something wrong.
Other friends spoke of a conversation they’d all shared. I hadn’t been included.
I've been very impacted by this song by Steven Curtis Chapman. I hope you'll take a moment to listen to it today. Let's rise up and fall on our knees.
Schedules. Lists. Watch the clock, and stay on task.
It’s how I grew up. I love, let me say it again, I love checking an item off a list when I’ve accomplished it. What a sense of well, accomplishment.
In the past, I set times in my day to pray, read Scripture, and memorize the words God gave. Another feeling of success came when I finished and could retain an entire chapter. Then I could recall those verses whenever I needed. Made sense to me.
You see, I am a rule follower.
Best. Better. Top. Favorite.
That’s all I wanted. Was that too much to ask?
I deeply desired to be a favorite aunt of one of my nieces or nephews. I craved being someone’s best friend … above anyone else. I wanted to win a writing contest.
It all circled around the same thing.
Attention. Accolades. Applause. Significance. Acceptance.
My voice shook as my diaphragm trembled. Panic gripped my throat as I worked to get the words out while fearing I wouldn’t be heard. I pushed harder, cupped my hands around my mouth, and pressed for sound with all my strength. From the next room, I heard my husband’s response, “What did you say?”
Excitement? Trepidation? What is this spinning inside? The date for a new Bible study at a different church loomed ahead. Because of the last time I’d ventured into a new space like this, I had mixed emotions. Would it be the same negative experience as before? I wanted to get to know new people. I even desired to apply what I’d learned myself. (See Fear vs. Truth 1/25/19)
I began to pray. (I know … God idea, right?)
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